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Do I Really Want A Reconciliation?

We are back with the final part of Mofe and Lola’s story. If you have not read part 1 and 2, don’t worry we’ve got you covered.

Click the links below to read them

Going back to the beginning with Mofe and his sweetheart, it might be important to look at the formation process of the relationship. Talking to Mofe, we began to explore these relationship formation thoughts:

  1. What assumptions did I have when I met her?

  2. Who was I twenty years ago and who had I become by the time the relationship cracks occurred?

  3. What did I know about building a successful relationship at that time and did I continue to learn?

  4. Was I aware of my needs and emotions at the point of communication and did I continue to track my changing personal needs and changing spectrum of emotions?

  5. What was my point of attraction and what factor sustained the attraction?

  6. What went wrong, when did it start and what fueled it?

Try this exercise too and examine your relationship. Ask yourself these six relationship formation questions and be honest with yourself in your answers.

Mofe needed to review these thoughts and come up with answers for our next session but more importantly to help him deal with his shame, guilt, pain, sadness, and confusion. These were the mid-spectrum of emotions he mentioned he had experienced.

Midlife separation has its unique challenges and these can range from -

  • loss of focus,

  • accommodation displacement,

  • debt inheritance,

  • higher responsibility for children care and elderly care.

Other issues include

  • loss of support,

  • social network disconnection,

  • loss of focus and ability to function effectively

  • mental health challenges (in some cases).

If the separation process was civil, calm, and mature with seated negotiations, the post-separation experience is significantly different. This can create a feeling of ‘ambiguous loss’ and ‘hope of renewal,’ yet may not be shared by the partner. It can also create unlimited access that does not allow the suitable condition for healing or closure. It can become more complex by the joint responsibility for the children and other family events.

If the separation was dramatic, graphic, and loaded with micro-aggression and subtle blackmail, the experience leads to extreme feelings of loss, war, vengeance, victimisation, shame and guilt. This leads to more public drama that spreads like wildfire. This makes it somewhat more difficult for reconciliation and therefore should be avoided at all cost.

The extreme polarisation leads to the concept of public fury and social media judges who are totally disconnected from the back stories and realities. This is made worse by unappointed defenders who will dig up family information, images, and create redacted information that further complicates the already volatile situation.

Who released the information?

Was it meant to be used to score cheap points or to justify a position?

Now, your private business has become totally public and out of control. This situation creates greater pain and more work to be done to repair the relationship.

Never threaten your partner with separation if you are not ready for the drama, challenges, and significant changes to life structure.

As we end today’s post, understand that sometimes, separation leads to both parties rethinking the relationship and building new foundations. Some schools of thought even suggest that a time of separation will give both parties time to reflect, diffuse tensions, create a softer platform to itemise the challenges, create solutions, and agree on the process of coming back together.

“Separation is not the end of love, it creates love.”

- Nancy Friday

Is this true? What do you think?

We would love to hear from you. Let us know in the comments below.


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