Remarrying at Midlife - Part 1
Now that you have started thinking about getting married again, what do you need to consider, what has changed from the previous experience.
Here are a few questions you should consider:
Questions you would need to ask yourself before going ahead.
You were single, got engaged, got married, got separated and got divorced/widowed(r) so now you are single at midlife.
It is important to know that you have gone beyond divorce, or the death of your spouse.
You are now single. This puts you in a good place to consider a new relationship and probably remarry.
Remarrying is a big new step that comes with new experiences and a new deal. It is going to be completely different from your first experience.
A few new issues are;
You are now different and experienced. You are coming with a mindset.
You are older now and hopefully know what you really want.
The stakes are higher and bigger for you and your family.
What questions do you need to consider;
About yourself ;
Are you ready emotionally, physically and psychologically?
Have you healed and have you forgiven yourself and all the players from your first experience?
Have you taken the core lessons and developed a new mindset and culture?
What persona do you plan to take into this new relationship?
What new ideologies did you adopt after your experience -good-bad-ugly?
What are you repeating and why are you reliving the experience?
Do you assign the victim or the victor or the adversary role to yourself?
Do you still have a ray of hope that things can work out with your Ex.?
Have you dealt with the guilt, shame and pains of undoing your promises?
Other questions to ask about your circumstance and age;
Do you want to have children or more children?
Are you at a point where having children would fit your health, age and lifestyle?
Are your current children ready? Are they stable and healed to engage in another relationship with you?
Do you seek a much younger or older person and why - what are the implications?
Do you have health concerns and are you ready to disclose the issues.
What are your unfulfilled fantasies? Do you want to play that out in your new marriage?
You have to dig deeper to ask;
What are my new expectations? And why? Where did I get these expectations? And why?
Who is pushing me to remarry? And why? What are my interests - can I sustain these interests?
Am I better off as a single person due to my unique circumstances and personality?
Why are these questions important?
Firstly, because over 60%-70%* of second marriages collapse faster than the first marriage. Why? Primarily because, the past experiences and hurt are assumed to have gone away without careful review and considerations, yet you enter into another relationship and you begin to unfold with a complex mix of emotions and unreasonable expectations or you mirror your bottled plans of revenge on an innocent person - just because of gentle character generalization.
Secondly, you need to succeed and make sure you are not part of the negative statistics, it can be done and done successfully if you gain more knowledge about yourself and your planned new situationship.
Ask yourself about the interlocks
How much interference will you get from your first marriage into the second?
How much comparison have you been doing in your dating? And are you judging using your ex-spouse.
Are you considering someone that is a first timer or second timer like you? These two have very different implications.
How motivated or demotivated are you about new relationships? and why are you pushing harder on a new relationship if you are still demotivated?
Are you ready for full disclosure and intrusion into your personal space?
You have enjoyed freedom for a while and now you are about to lose it - are you ready to accommodate another person?
The key is to try and segment the thoughts and questions and actually take time to answer on paper. It is time to tell yourself the truth. Carefully look before you jump again.
Watch out for my next post on Planning to Remarry. I'll tell you about my trip to Yola, a beautiful town in North Eastern Nigeria, where I met Kanselem.
In his words “I cried every night for one month after I saw her new wedding pictures. She had just remarried and I was heartbroken all over again.”
Guys, so, think clearly, are you really ready to remarry?
Pls read our next post - Midlife Living
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